I can't help but smile when I look back and remember sitting in the pews as a little girl. I used to color, talk much to loudly, and be an overall general distraction to my mother. Even though I didn't get anything out of those hour long services, it just goes to show that from an early age my mom tried to in still in me a sense that something greater was out there. Something great and loving that I could always fall back on.
Fast forward a couple of years to 7th and 8th grade and Confirmation. We sang songs, went on a yearly retreat, and sometimes took notes, but beyond that I never really got anything out of it. It was fun and at the end I officially became a member of God's church (or at least I think thats what the purpose was) but I didn't leave feeling like I had made a real connection with God even though I had been learning about Him for two years. The lack of a connection really disappointed me. What I wanted more than anything during that time in my life was a solid and non-disappointing bond with someone other than my family and I didn't have that.
After Confirmation, I quit trying. I'll admit it. I no longer wanted to put forth the effort and
get nothing back from it. Looking back now, I really do regret giving up on trying to create a
stronger relationship with God. After all the self confidence lows I have endured, I really believe
that it would have been so much easier I had had a strong relationship with God. He could have
been that someone that was always there to listen when all I needed was to vent my feelings.
When I no longer believed in myself, he could and would have been there to remind me of who I
was and reaffirm the beliefs within that I was beautiful and I could achieve anything I set my
mind to. A part of me wishes He could have been there to hold my hand through those tough
times, but another part of me knows that it was all just a part of His plan.
When it came time to begin my self confidence Quest, I knew I HAD to succeed and
it would be much harder to do so if I did it alone. But who could I turn to I asked myself?
My mom would have the best intentions, but I need space and that is not one of her strong
suits. I though of my happy and kind best friend and wanted so badly to tell her, but I didn't
want her to think that she wasn't enough when she is wonderful just the way she is. Lastly, I
thought of my boyfriend. I know I can trust him, but I didn't want him to think differently of
me and I didn't want him to think I was unhappy in our relationship because that is exactly what
I am NOT. All these people being cast aside in my mental list of helpers I couldn't help but feel
a sense of despair. But then I remembered that one superior person who I could put all my faith
in...
The first wednesday of my Quest happened to be Ash Wednesday. It also happened to be the
first time I had willing stepped into Church in a long long LONGGGG time. Being there only
reaffirmed my beliefs that He would help me in my Quest and that He would be there every step
of the way.
If your still reading, and I hope you are, I have a funny story for you! :)
It was the Wednesday after Ash Wednesday and I was really quite excited to attend Church
that evening. After track practice I rushed home to get decent looking and eat an apple so that
my stomach wouldn't be rumbling through the entire service and then I was ready to go! My mom
and I rushed into town, speeding as usual, and finally arrived. But something seemed a bit off.
That parking lot was practically empty and there wasn't the usual crowd walking through the
front doors. My mom didn't seem to notice so I said nothing thinking that we were just
annoyingly early like always. I am sure you may have guessed the ending by now, but I will
state the obvious... There was no Church! We had driven all the way into town with the best
intentions and ended up in an empty church. Opps! hahaha. Of course we couldn't waste gas
so we decided to go tanning and eat out so I guess it wasn't too bad of a night after all. :)
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